


Pink Diamond VS. Herself

by Iolite_Scythe



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Gem War, Gen, Minor Character(s), One Shot, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26267608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iolite_Scythe/pseuds/Iolite_Scythe
Summary: A compilation of comedic one-shots related to the gem war that Pink Diamond pretty much waged against herself for literal centuries.
Relationships: Pearl & Rose Quartz (Steven Universe)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. On The Battlefield, Where Everything is Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> Suggestions welcome.

The sounds of a war waged for centuries filled the air of the greatest battlefield the planet Earth had ever seen. Of all the thousands of gems skillfully wielding their magical weapons, one stood out far above the rest. Literally.

"YOU CRYSTAL GEMS SHALL NEVER TAKE THIS PLANET FROM THE GRASP OF ME, THE GREAT AND EVIL PINK DIAMOND! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Not far from the great diamond stood together a group of crystal gems who had all taken a questioning glance toward the source of the booming voice.

"Boy, she's awfully dramatic, isn't she?" Said one of the crystal gems, a Beryl.

"Who cares about _her?_ Where the hell is Rose?!" Responded Bismuth, another of the group.

At that statement the spear-wielding Pearl next to her flinched, though the others were all too preoccupied to notice.

"I swear, she is always late to these battles with Pink Diamond. It's the same thing every single time. She shows up super late, fights directly with Pink Diamond for like 5 minutes, and then runs off again for a few minutes before coming back. What is _up_ with that?" Bismuth ranted.

After poofing one last enemy gem, Pearl suddenly looks around before turning to her friends.

"Oh my stars, you guys, I think I forgot to turn the oven off!" Pearl spoke dramatically.

"What?" Bismuth responded. "What are you talking about? I thought you hated eating…" Bismuth questioned.

Beryl glances between the two a few times before speaking up.

"Wait, we have an oven?"

"Yes!" Pearl responded a bit too hastily. "I just got it! See, it's… uh… it's a gift for Rose! Yes, you know how much she loves human contraptions." Pearl smiled nervously.

"But w-"

"OH, I really should hurry! I don't want Rose's gift getting ruined! Be right back!" Pearl said.

She ran off before any of her companions could respond.

"Well… I suppose it'll be neat to have a new oven." Beryl said, breaking the silence.

"I wouldn't count on it," Biggs chipped it, "we didn't have a new toaster last week."

"Toaster?" Beryl turned to Bismuth. "Wait, but don't toasters turn themselves off?

"I don't know, do I look like a toaster to you?" Bismuth responded.

Beryl raised a finger, opening her mouth to speak, but Bismuth stopped her.

"Do _not_ answer that."

Suddenly their conversation was cut short by the familiar sound and sight of Rose Quartz charging into battle- directly towards Pink Diamond.

"ROSE QUARTZ, YOU _DARE_ CHALLENGE YOUR DIAMOND?"

"ANY TIME, ANY DAY, PINKY!" Rose Quartz shouted, adjusting the bulging martial arts headband around her forehead.

"Does she sound kinda weird to you?" Biggs asked her friends as they all watched Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz clash their weapons, making loud noises all throughout their battle.

"Maybe she's tired," Beryl suggested.

"She's been here for _2 minutes,"_ Bismuth countered.

After a short battle like something out of a mediocre movie, Pink Diamond, once again, admitted defeat.

"AH, FOILED AGAIN BY THE GREAT ROSE QUARTZ! THIS IS _NOT_ OVER, CRYSTAL GEMS!" Pink Diamond shouted before fleeing, her court following closely behind her.

After the crystal gems broke their attention from the fleeing Diamond, they turned to see the same thing they always did; Rose Quartz had disappeared. Pearl, however, suddenly appeared behind the group.

"WOW, you guys, wasn't that amazing?!" Pearl suddenly shouted, causing the others to jump.

"Oh stars, Pearl, you really need to stop doing that!" Beryl said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I was just so overwhelmed by how amazing that battle was!"

"Yeah. So, did you turn the oven off?" Beryl asked.

"What oven? We don't have an oven. I have no idea what you're talking about." Pearl said quickly.

"But you sai-"

"OH, look! It's Rose! Wow Rose, that was a great fight. Wasn't that a great fight you guys?" Pearl cut in with even more haste as Rose Quartz walked up behind the others, no longer wearing the headband she had adorned minutes before.

"Hey guys! That was some great work out there! You really showed that Pink Diamond who's boss!" Rose said enthusiastically. "Let's celebrate with some human food. I recently heard of this thing called 'pizza,' and I've been _cracking_ to try it!"

"Oh, yeah, thanks Rose." Bismuth said, thinking it better not to question it.

Not far away, Pink Diamond's court stood with an empty palanquin, wondering where their diamond had run off to in such a hurry.


	2. What is Spongebob?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions welcome.

"Where is it?" Biggs said with frustrated confusion.

"There's supposed to be a marked rock right here! I don't understand, all of the other landmarks up to this point were where they were supposed to be!"

Biggs scanned and rescanned the area several times, hoping she had just missed it. She stopped, though, when she thought she heard a snicker from the group behind her, and turned around.

"Are you sure we followed the directions properly?" Said a Carnelian gem, holding a compass in her hand, and clearly trying and failing to hide a smirk.

The others stared at her in silence for a few seconds before Bismuth spoke.

"Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure we followed the directions," she said, holding up the map that she had read from before.

"I don't know, maybe there was a mistake. Maybe we should read the directions one more time," Carnelian replied.

Bismuth looked at her quizzically before holding up the map to re-read it aloud.

"Starting at injector #237, head North until you reach a large oak tree. From there, head northeast until you reach a rose bush. Finally, head east until you reach a large rock marked with a diagonal scratch. The artifact is buried right beside that rock."

"Oh, _east_ ?" Carnelian said, her smirk breaking through more than before. "I thought you said _weast_!"

"..."

"..."

"Carnelian, I swear to god, if you seriously just made us waste the past 3 hours just to make a stupid Spongebob joke, I am going to crack you with my bare hands." Biggs finally said, breaking the silence.

Carnelian's proud smirk finally faltered at that. Beryl leaned in to whisper to Bismuth.

"What is Spongebob?"

"No clue."

"Un. Believable. Carnelian, that artifact is extremely important! If Homeworld gets their hands on it, we're all _SCREWED!"_

Biggs punctuated her last shouted word with a kick to the ground beneath her.

"Okay okay, calm down, it was just a prank, bro!" Carnelian responded.

"I'm gonna prank you with my _FIST!"_

"Alright, that's enough you two," Bismuth said, pushing between them. "Let's not panic. We still have time to go back and try it again. We'll only waste time if we just stand around here fighting."

"She's the one who's already costed us hours just for a 'prank!'" Biggs said back.

"Yes, yes, we can all agree that Carnelian is an idiot."

Carnelian frowned.

"Right now, though, we need to focus on getting the artifact. When were we supposed to meet up with Rose and the others again?" Bismuth asked.

"We still have a few hours," Beryl answered.

"Alright, so we just need to hurry."

"Don't bother." A new voice spoke from behind them.

They turned to the source of the familiar voice, and saw Garnet walking up to them with the aforementioned artifact in her hand.

"Oh, great! Thanks Garnet. We owe you one."

"No problem. I simply saw with my future vision that there was only a small chance of Carnelian not making her joke, so I acted accordingly."

Carnelian blushed. 

"Weren't you supposed to be with Rose and Pearl, though?" Biggs questioned.

"Yes, but apparently something came up. All I heard them say was something about forgetting about a ball before they both ran barreling out the door without another word."

"Man, those two are awfully forgetful," Beryl said. "What do they want with a human toy, though?"

"Eh, we all know those two are super weird sometimes. Let's just head back to HQ so we can be there whenever they get back" Bismuth said.

All in agreement, the group started heading back home to wait for their leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware that Spongebob didn't exist thousands of years ago.


	3. Karma's a Quartz

"MY DIAMOND! We have a problem!"

Yellow Diamond turned her head to address the two Jaspers rushing into her palanquin.

"What is it?"

"It's Rose Quartz, my diamond! She's here!"

"What?" Yellow asked, clearly confused. "We're nowhere  _ near _ Earth. Why would  _ Rose Quartz _ be  _ here?" _

"I don't know, my diamond, but she has a bunch of her 'friends' with her, and there's a huge fight going on out there," the Jasper replied.

Yellow Diamond huffed in annoyance as she stood from her chair, stepping out of her palanquin to see for herself what was going on. Outside of her palanquin, the Jasper's claim was confirmed. Rose Quartz and her rebels were there fighting her gems.

Spotting Rose Quartz in the chaos, Yellow raised her hand to throw a surprise bolt of electricity at her, but she raised her shield just in time to block it. If Yellow hadn't been so indignant, she may have been impressed. She got closer to be able to speak to the rebel leader directly.

"Rose Quartz,  _ what _ are you  _ doing here?  _ Is it not bad enough that you revolt against your own diamond for that hideous rock called Earth, now you come here, to  _ my _ colony,  _ far _ from the galaxy of that  _ pitiful _ planet, and disrupt the work of my gems? What reason could you  _ possibly _ have for being here?!"

"Hmm… you know, I don't know. I guess I just felt the urge." Rose Quartz replied. "Maybe this is karma! Have you by any chance been a big fat  _ nark _ lately?"

_ "What?"  _ Yellow said. "What are you talking about, quartz?! What is this 'Karma' you speak of? What is 'nark?' At  _ least _ have the decency to use real words!"

"Oh, but they  _ are _ real words," Rose Quartz replied. "A  _ nark _ is someone that goes around telling people about other gems' business, especially when that person they're telling is the ruler of the whole damn  _ universe _ with all the authority needed to totally  _ screw _ people! And  _ karma _ is the universe's way of screwing a nark  _ right back!" _

Rose threw her shield to punctuate her angry shout, and Yellow barely moved her head in time to dodge it. She scowled at the rebel.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Your 'Earth' terminology means nothing to me. You will pay  _ dearly _ for this little 'rebellion' of yours,  _ Quartz." _

As Yellow Diamond and Rose Quartz fought each other, the Crystal Gems that came with Rose continued to fight Yellow's guards. Beryl turned to Bismuth after poofing another quartz.

"You know, I'm not typically one to question Rose or anything," Beryl said, "but like… does anyone know why we're here?..."

Beryl scanned the faces of her friends. After a moment of silence, Bismuth spoke.

"I, uh… I think she said something about 'stopping Yellow Diamond's tyrannical narkitude?...' I'm not really sure what that means, but she seemed pretty angry. You know how she gets when she's passionate about something. I guess I didn't really stop to question it…"

"What's there to question?" Pearl chimed in. "We're simply here to fight homeworld; to protect the things we care about! What's so strange about that? It's what we do!"

Even with that statement, Beryl looked around once more to confirm that nobody else had any better understanding of the current mission. With a few confused looks, she had her answer.

A loud crash startled the group out of their thoughts. They turned to see that Rose had managed to knock Yellow Diamond to the ground.

"Man, she must be the strongest quartz soldier ever made!" Carnelian looked at Rose in wonder, admiring the great leader's incredible strength.

"Do you think they meant to make her that strong?" Biggs asked. "I guess I never really had a chance to meet any of the other Rose Quartzes, but she definitely seems weirdly powerful to me."

"I believe power can come from passion," Garnet spoke up. "Nobody's more passionate than Rose."

As if to back up that statement, Rose managed to knock Yellow Diamond to the ground once more at that very moment, causing the ground to shake once more. Carnelian was knocked off her feet.

The fight continued for only a few more minutes before the appearance of Blue Diamond's ship caused a moment of silence. The Crystal Gems looked at each other quickly, making a silent agreement that this was their cue to leave.

While still distracted by the sudden appearance of her sister, Yellow Diamond was hit in the nose by Rose's shield. She cried out before looking in the direction it came from, and saw Rose Quartz and her Crystal Gems making their escape with the help of a magical gem artifact. The last thing she saw of them before they disappeared was both of Rose Quartz's hands held in some kind of sign that she'd never seen before; the back of her hands facing Yellow with her middle fingers extended while her other fingers hugged her palms in a pair of fists.

Yellow shouted indignantly at the escape of her enemies as her sister exited her ship, rushing over to her with a concerned expression.

"Yellow, what happened here? Are you alright?"

"Oh, it was that  _ cursed _ Rose Quartz! Can you believe it? She just comes out of nowhere with those defective pebbles of hers, attacking me and my gems, and calling me a… a  _ mark! _ I don't even know what that  _ means!" _

"A  _ mark?"  _ Blue looked at her thoughtfully. "Funny, I think I may have heard Pink say something like that before. Maybe it's an Earth thing."

As the diamonds continued their conversation, two pearls stood off to the side, glancing out at the damage done by the rebel gems. For a moment they are silent, but then that silence is broken by a nasal voice.

"So like… did you see Pink Diamond's pearl fighting alongside the rebels just now?..."

"Yep." Blue Pearl responded without looking back at her.

Another pause.

"I mean…" Yellow Pearl began again. "Should we… say something?"

"Hmm… nah, that's not really 'our place.'"

Yellow Pearl could  _ feel _ the wink beneath Blue Pearl's bangs. The two of them shared the smirk of a small victory before following their respective diamonds back onto their ships to head home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pink is pretty petty.


End file.
